It's legitimate

Dear Wilma,

I can't thank you enough for the bouqet of marshmallow treats you sent my teenage son. He's been so lonely and depressed lately I'm glad he found you. Your friendship is something I'm sure he will appreciate as he gets older; you already make him so happy. Although it seems a bit strange to me that a 76 year old woman would be at our house so late, I have faith in both of you that nothing is awry. By the way this is rather embarassing, but you seem to have left a pair of bloomers in his bedroom, as well as a box of his favorite brand of condoms. Again, I trust you two. I also wanted to let you know that I have work early in the morning, so I would appreciate it if you two would keep down that rock music. Thanks for your time, Wilma. By the way, don't forget about the orgy at Tom's house on Wednesday.

Kinkily yours,
Virginia

The Lube

Dear house staff,

It has been brough to my attention that someoe has stolen the lube I intended to use for my wife and I's 45th anniversary this month. I purchased $167.00 worth of lube for my darling wife. I kindly ask that who ever has taken this lube will return it as promptly as possible.

Thank you,
Mr. Alan Rogers


Dearest husband,

I apologize and assure you that the culprit was not a single soul on our house staff! I assumed the lube was the regular stocking up that we do but with a little something extra. I used it all last night while you slumbered. Please forgive your poor mistaken wife.

Love forever,
Brettina

P.S. You are such a sweetie-pie for buying that for our anniversary!




(Dear everyone, for now, that is all I'm going to crank out due to the advisory of someone I know. Come back sometime if you like my rambly letters! I'll update it and add more "regularly". Love, Random Letters [Brittany] Hur hur hur!)

Business Transaction

Dear Maurice,

I know it's been a while but I want you to know that I haven't forgotten about our little deal. The transcripts have nearly been completed and I expect them to be delivered no later than this Friday, the 18th.

I really want you to know how much I've been sticking my neck out for you and your (respected) harlot. Mrs. Fingerbuttle asked me last night where you had gone after she phoned the anti-feminist corporation and you weren't there feeding the needy as she had thought you planned. I had to come up with an entirely elaborate story about how you were so moved by one of the poor feminist's plights that you had to spend the entire night scooping feces from her pet dog's bottom. She was incredibly moved and took you for a hero. No worries. For you.

Sincerely,
Brittlyn Buttumsfling

True Love

My beloved Felix,

There are many things in a woman's life that can never be revealed to a man; especially the man that woman loves. Sadly, I have left this silly notion behind me, being the ridiculous progressive woman that I am. I am going to reveal to you the things I could not answer before I dropped all the secretive measures taken to ensure I would not be publicly sullied. Firstly, yes. Yes, that was a butt plug. Secondly, several times. Several times in my teen-aged years did I enjoy frolicking through the large dead bass in the ocean produced by my toxic, noxious gases that were emitted whilst I took a midnight masturbatory swim.

Thank you for reading my deepest confessions.

Jolly gladly yours,
Telsy

Very Direct

Dear World,

I am Spiderman.

Love,
Spiderman