Chumbly,
This is a very important letter: DO NOT THROW AWAY. I know how you like to throw letters away without reading them. This is a letter you shouldn't do that to. I found your wife rummaging through my dumpster this morning. Either she's developed a sick obsession with me or you're having your wife do your dirty work trying to scrounge up something negative about me. Either is a possibility seeing as though she IS my ex-wife.. however, if it's the latter you're underestimating my ability to cover up my wrong doings. As well as my ability to make the entire office believe that you use adult diapers. Yes.. yes.. take it in. That's why all the women have been calling you baby all day, stud. Hahaha. Let this be a message to you that I am not to be reckoned with. And yes, this letter will self destruct in your hands.
Mr. Hornbury
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
A Common Predicament
Allison,
Look, maybe you're correct when you say I should be reading more erotic novels. It's a very distinct possibility. I've been thinking about it more and more lately and I can't see any way around it. I was hoping you could help me, really. I know you're often reading them. I've heard you've made such a very fine art of it that you can actually read them in your parent's presence and they have no clue the book you're reading right in front of them fuels your lonely nights. Looking back, my time is probably long past due. So, what do you say? Help me? What should I start with? Is Surly Mandibles in the Arctic Night too raunchy? I don't even know where to begin. I hope to hear from you very soon.
-Dave
Look, maybe you're correct when you say I should be reading more erotic novels. It's a very distinct possibility. I've been thinking about it more and more lately and I can't see any way around it. I was hoping you could help me, really. I know you're often reading them. I've heard you've made such a very fine art of it that you can actually read them in your parent's presence and they have no clue the book you're reading right in front of them fuels your lonely nights. Looking back, my time is probably long past due. So, what do you say? Help me? What should I start with? Is Surly Mandibles in the Arctic Night too raunchy? I don't even know where to begin. I hope to hear from you very soon.
-Dave
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Unbelievable
Jared,
Hey. There is something I need to talk to you about. I was on my way to the weekly gathering of Follow the Unicorns Club (FUC) Tuesday when I had to stop and write something down. Now I distinctly remember lending you my pen that Tuesday morning at work. Anyway, I got my pen out and began to write when I realized the entirety of the pen and my hand were covered in blue goopy ink. The whole tip had been BITTEN OFF. You're taking this club to an unwanted extreme, man. You're not a damn unicorn.
Sparkle speakily,
Mr. Twinkles
Hey. There is something I need to talk to you about. I was on my way to the weekly gathering of Follow the Unicorns Club (FUC) Tuesday when I had to stop and write something down. Now I distinctly remember lending you my pen that Tuesday morning at work. Anyway, I got my pen out and began to write when I realized the entirety of the pen and my hand were covered in blue goopy ink. The whole tip had been BITTEN OFF. You're taking this club to an unwanted extreme, man. You're not a damn unicorn.
Sparkle speakily,
Mr. Twinkles
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Business Transaction Two!
Harold,
Hey, here is that incredibly complicated design you asked for last month on the 20th. I've sent it with this e-mail. You have no idea how long it took me to design this. I spent countless hours away from friends and family to make sure it came out just right for you and I have my hopes up high about it being just what you wanted. My estimated pay would be around $120.00, I believe. Which is a real step down from the $450.00 I estimated before I decided to give you a discount on account of being so excited over this project. I was really excited about designing it and I really hope it shows through my design. I also hope if you ever have any designing needs you'll come to me again!
- Juliet
Hey, here is that incredibly complicated design you asked for last month on the 20th. I've sent it with this e-mail. You have no idea how long it took me to design this. I spent countless hours away from friends and family to make sure it came out just right for you and I have my hopes up high about it being just what you wanted. My estimated pay would be around $120.00, I believe. Which is a real step down from the $450.00 I estimated before I decided to give you a discount on account of being so excited over this project. I was really excited about designing it and I really hope it shows through my design. I also hope if you ever have any designing needs you'll come to me again!
- Juliet
Maybe I'm Crazy, Who Knows?
My love,
You may be surprised getting a letter from me, especially since you distinctly told me to never write you another letter again or you would send crows to pluck my eyes out. However, I feel that this is really an important letter! I accidentally dropped a thousand dollars outside on your fire escape. Yeah, I was on your fire escape.. even though you told me if you catch me on it one more time you would send me hurling to the ground (which is only, like, five feet really..). And yes, I was trying to give you money again even though you told me that if ever I felt the need to give you money to not do it.. or you would.. oh wait, there wasn't a threat attached to that one. Well, I was just letting you know there is a thousand dollars on your fire escape. I was attacked by a herd of crows when I was up there writing you a letter about the money! Strangest thing, really... Anyway! See you Tuesday even though you told me not to come over or you would throw paint on my undoubtedly fancy dress!
Love you bunches,
Brittany
You may be surprised getting a letter from me, especially since you distinctly told me to never write you another letter again or you would send crows to pluck my eyes out. However, I feel that this is really an important letter! I accidentally dropped a thousand dollars outside on your fire escape. Yeah, I was on your fire escape.. even though you told me if you catch me on it one more time you would send me hurling to the ground (which is only, like, five feet really..). And yes, I was trying to give you money again even though you told me that if ever I felt the need to give you money to not do it.. or you would.. oh wait, there wasn't a threat attached to that one. Well, I was just letting you know there is a thousand dollars on your fire escape. I was attacked by a herd of crows when I was up there writing you a letter about the money! Strangest thing, really... Anyway! See you Tuesday even though you told me not to come over or you would throw paint on my undoubtedly fancy dress!
Love you bunches,
Brittany
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
So disappointing
Uncle Hubert,
Understandably, I've given your work an F. Now, I know I'm just your nephew and in no way your professor but I think your artwork could use a LOT of work before turning it in tomorrow. And this was your big piece for the final? I'm really disappointed to say the least. I don't know how they even let you in to the prestigious art school you're supposedly in. Fortunately for you your nephew has a keen eye for the fine arts and knows exactly what your art piece needs to complete it: more hidden phallic shapes. Everyone will love it and they'll have no idea why. They may think it's because of the "real delicate use of detail in the shading" or some other bullshit but little do they know...
No need to thank me really, I'm just here to help.
Love,
Your Nephew Frank
Understandably, I've given your work an F. Now, I know I'm just your nephew and in no way your professor but I think your artwork could use a LOT of work before turning it in tomorrow. And this was your big piece for the final? I'm really disappointed to say the least. I don't know how they even let you in to the prestigious art school you're supposedly in. Fortunately for you your nephew has a keen eye for the fine arts and knows exactly what your art piece needs to complete it: more hidden phallic shapes. Everyone will love it and they'll have no idea why. They may think it's because of the "real delicate use of detail in the shading" or some other bullshit but little do they know...
No need to thank me really, I'm just here to help.
Love,
Your Nephew Frank
Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.
Dear Charles,
You have no idea how angry I am. Why would you leave that on the kitchen table? You KNOW what I am talking about. There is no way you don't. It's disgusting and rude. I can't even walk back into the kitchen. I think I am traumatized because of this. Do you even think about what you are doing and how it messes with other people?! Jeez! Just.. don't let me EVER catch your keys on the table again. And wash the damn table afterwords. Fuck.
Pissed,
Amber
You have no idea how angry I am. Why would you leave that on the kitchen table? You KNOW what I am talking about. There is no way you don't. It's disgusting and rude. I can't even walk back into the kitchen. I think I am traumatized because of this. Do you even think about what you are doing and how it messes with other people?! Jeez! Just.. don't let me EVER catch your keys on the table again. And wash the damn table afterwords. Fuck.
Pissed,
Amber
Yuuummmmy
Dearest George,
I love you. I love you with all of my flamboyantly homosexual heart. I know you didn't mean it when you called me a fag in front of your friends. I still love you despite your shame of our love. And despite the fact that you refuse to let me stick my throbbing man meat in your sweet tight ass cheeks; I still love you. I still love you despite many road bumps in our relationship.. like how you aren't a homosexual. Some day our love will be...
Love forever,
Alexander "Allie"
I love you. I love you with all of my flamboyantly homosexual heart. I know you didn't mean it when you called me a fag in front of your friends. I still love you despite your shame of our love. And despite the fact that you refuse to let me stick my throbbing man meat in your sweet tight ass cheeks; I still love you. I still love you despite many road bumps in our relationship.. like how you aren't a homosexual. Some day our love will be...
Love forever,
Alexander "Allie"
Saturday, March 19, 2011
It's legitimate
Dear Wilma,
I can't thank you enough for the bouqet of marshmallow treats you sent my teenage son. He's been so lonely and depressed lately I'm glad he found you. Your friendship is something I'm sure he will appreciate as he gets older; you already make him so happy. Although it seems a bit strange to me that a 76 year old woman would be at our house so late, I have faith in both of you that nothing is awry. By the way this is rather embarassing, but you seem to have left a pair of bloomers in his bedroom, as well as a box of his favorite brand of condoms. Again, I trust you two. I also wanted to let you know that I have work early in the morning, so I would appreciate it if you two would keep down that rock music. Thanks for your time, Wilma. By the way, don't forget about the orgy at Tom's house on Wednesday.
Kinkily yours,
Virginia
I can't thank you enough for the bouqet of marshmallow treats you sent my teenage son. He's been so lonely and depressed lately I'm glad he found you. Your friendship is something I'm sure he will appreciate as he gets older; you already make him so happy. Although it seems a bit strange to me that a 76 year old woman would be at our house so late, I have faith in both of you that nothing is awry. By the way this is rather embarassing, but you seem to have left a pair of bloomers in his bedroom, as well as a box of his favorite brand of condoms. Again, I trust you two. I also wanted to let you know that I have work early in the morning, so I would appreciate it if you two would keep down that rock music. Thanks for your time, Wilma. By the way, don't forget about the orgy at Tom's house on Wednesday.
Kinkily yours,
Virginia
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
The Lube
Dear house staff,
It has been brough to my attention that someoe has stolen the lube I intended to use for my wife and I's 45th anniversary this month. I purchased $167.00 worth of lube for my darling wife. I kindly ask that who ever has taken this lube will return it as promptly as possible.
Thank you,
Mr. Alan Rogers
Dearest husband,
I apologize and assure you that the culprit was not a single soul on our house staff! I assumed the lube was the regular stocking up that we do but with a little something extra. I used it all last night while you slumbered. Please forgive your poor mistaken wife.
Love forever,
Brettina
P.S. You are such a sweetie-pie for buying that for our anniversary!
(Dear everyone, for now, that is all I'm going to crank out due to the advisory of someone I know. Come back sometime if you like my rambly letters! I'll update it and add more "regularly". Love, Random Letters [Brittany] Hur hur hur!)
It has been brough to my attention that someoe has stolen the lube I intended to use for my wife and I's 45th anniversary this month. I purchased $167.00 worth of lube for my darling wife. I kindly ask that who ever has taken this lube will return it as promptly as possible.
Thank you,
Mr. Alan Rogers
Dearest husband,
I apologize and assure you that the culprit was not a single soul on our house staff! I assumed the lube was the regular stocking up that we do but with a little something extra. I used it all last night while you slumbered. Please forgive your poor mistaken wife.
Love forever,
Brettina
P.S. You are such a sweetie-pie for buying that for our anniversary!
(Dear everyone, for now, that is all I'm going to crank out due to the advisory of someone I know. Come back sometime if you like my rambly letters! I'll update it and add more "regularly". Love, Random Letters [Brittany] Hur hur hur!)
Business Transaction
Dear Maurice,
I know it's been a while but I want you to know that I haven't forgotten about our little deal. The transcripts have nearly been completed and I expect them to be delivered no later than this Friday, the 18th.
I really want you to know how much I've been sticking my neck out for you and your (respected) harlot. Mrs. Fingerbuttle asked me last night where you had gone after she phoned the anti-feminist corporation and you weren't there feeding the needy as she had thought you planned. I had to come up with an entirely elaborate story about how you were so moved by one of the poor feminist's plights that you had to spend the entire night scooping feces from her pet dog's bottom. She was incredibly moved and took you for a hero. No worries. For you.
Sincerely,
Brittlyn Buttumsfling
I know it's been a while but I want you to know that I haven't forgotten about our little deal. The transcripts have nearly been completed and I expect them to be delivered no later than this Friday, the 18th.
I really want you to know how much I've been sticking my neck out for you and your (respected) harlot. Mrs. Fingerbuttle asked me last night where you had gone after she phoned the anti-feminist corporation and you weren't there feeding the needy as she had thought you planned. I had to come up with an entirely elaborate story about how you were so moved by one of the poor feminist's plights that you had to spend the entire night scooping feces from her pet dog's bottom. She was incredibly moved and took you for a hero. No worries. For you.
Sincerely,
Brittlyn Buttumsfling
True Love
My beloved Felix,
There are many things in a woman's life that can never be revealed to a man; especially the man that woman loves. Sadly, I have left this silly notion behind me, being the ridiculous progressive woman that I am. I am going to reveal to you the things I could not answer before I dropped all the secretive measures taken to ensure I would not be publicly sullied. Firstly, yes. Yes, that was a butt plug. Secondly, several times. Several times in my teen-aged years did I enjoy frolicking through the large dead bass in the ocean produced by my toxic, noxious gases that were emitted whilst I took a midnight masturbatory swim.
Thank you for reading my deepest confessions.
Jolly gladly yours,
Telsy
There are many things in a woman's life that can never be revealed to a man; especially the man that woman loves. Sadly, I have left this silly notion behind me, being the ridiculous progressive woman that I am. I am going to reveal to you the things I could not answer before I dropped all the secretive measures taken to ensure I would not be publicly sullied. Firstly, yes. Yes, that was a butt plug. Secondly, several times. Several times in my teen-aged years did I enjoy frolicking through the large dead bass in the ocean produced by my toxic, noxious gases that were emitted whilst I took a midnight masturbatory swim.
Thank you for reading my deepest confessions.
Jolly gladly yours,
Telsy
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